I'm not really sure if I like the term "Booty call." sounds sort of sleazy. But alas, it is the easiest way to descibe the situation. We are friends. With privileges. But it's sort of weird.
So we hang out to have dinner on Monday. Totally as friends. No talk of sex, no reference to booty calls, nothing out of the ordinary. Seriously, we were like 2 platonic friends having dinner. But there was a little something that I picked up... a little annoyance or discomfort every now and then on his part. I am extremely perceptive with people's emotions. Maybe to a fault. In any case, his discomfort of course led to my annoyance and discomfort too. But it was slight. And only lasted for a couple seconds at most.
After dinner we walked towards my bus stop. And then he says, "Wanna come over?" And truth be told, I really ddin't care either way if I went home or went back to his place. We eneded up walking through Central Park and back to his place. It was a nice walk; we talked as friends. But a few silences that never existed beofre this whole Booty call thing happened.
Oh well. He was looking really hot that night. When I saw him waiting for me at our meeting place, I couldn't help but notice that his face lost weight and he looked like a Greek God. He was always cute, but that night he looked very attractive. Attractive to the point that he would turn heads.
Strangely, he never ever complimented me on my looks. Not even a "you look nice." sheesh. I think he's a great friend, but I really wasn't pleased about how he acted the other time. But he was honest, and I like honesty.
I don't want to talk about the husband. Too serious and too heavy a topic. And I am not ready for that right now.
What I want:
To get a divorce. For the divorce to be granted easily. And for no problems to ever arise witht eh husband. I might have to get a restraining order tomorrow. I am so tired. I really do not want to get it. But I should. I will go get it. I'm so sorry. I am really sorry. Dear God, I loved him. And hated him. And I feel so sad when I think of the good times we shared. Oh how I loved him so. And strangely, how I forget all the bad as I sit here now. Or how I blocked it from my memory. I want to forget his ugliness. I miss him. And yet, I never want to see him ever again.
I don't know why I am hanging on to Booty Call. I don't know if I actually like him subconsciously, or if I just want someone who is detached. I don't know. He is not the person I thought he was. And neither am I the person he thought I was.
My friend was right. My friend told me, "A piece of advice for you. You have to stop circulating the same garbage. NYC has so many people. Go for someone new." And he's right. I think I'm just scared. Scred of new, and comfortable with the old. I think he is right! Maybe that was a message from God.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Sunday, May 9, 2010
The imminent Divorce... unreal
Where do I start? So much to say, yet I don't really want to relive it. Although i do want to document some of it.
I got into car with the soon-to-be ex-husband. That was against better judgement. unexpected, he showed up at our son's school. Coincidentally, my mom picked my son up that day and I didn't realize she was going to do that. In any case, hubby calls out to me and offers me a ride home. I debated whether or not to get into the car with him. And I got into the car.
He drove towards my house, but then missed the turn to get there. then he missed the next turn. Then he went onto the highway, driving AWAY from my house. He said he will die married to me. 8 more days until the 20th day after hubby got served the divorce papers. He talked about murder/suicide. He said that we always talked of dying together, and so he said, "We're gonna do it NOW!" and he tells me that he is going to take me to a lake along the highway and kill me there.
He tells me to "Tuck and Roll" out of a 60mph car, because it would be my last chance to get away. He has threatened me in the past, but only this time did I actually take him really really seriously. He yelled with anger that he was going to do it. He said that he was going to crash into a stone wall and I would be propelled out of the front windshield. He talked about who would take care of our son when we die.
He was psychotic from the start, but this major trigger off-set him to a scary guy who went off the deep end. He talked about having only 7 days of living left. He talked about being on death row and writing novels in solitary confinement. He said the easy way out would be murdering me and then committing suicide. Then he said that he is going to kill everyone but our son.
So how did I get out of the car? The highway, THANK GOD, had traffic lights. and at a traffic light, when it was red, I jusmped out of the car. He screamed at me to get back in the car. I walked off the highway exit. Called my mom to pick me up.
When we got home, he pulled his car up right across the street. He came over, allowed my mom and son to enter the house, but he blocked me from getting in. He said that it was going to all end right there, right now. My mother told him that she was going to call the police if he didn't leave. He told her to call them, not thinking she actually would! The police came, he left.
That night I packed my bags and took my son to a place he won't find me until the 20th day. And here I am, not at home... waiting and waiting for the day to come and for a divorce by default to occur. And I will pray to god that that is what will happen.
I got into car with the soon-to-be ex-husband. That was against better judgement. unexpected, he showed up at our son's school. Coincidentally, my mom picked my son up that day and I didn't realize she was going to do that. In any case, hubby calls out to me and offers me a ride home. I debated whether or not to get into the car with him. And I got into the car.
He drove towards my house, but then missed the turn to get there. then he missed the next turn. Then he went onto the highway, driving AWAY from my house. He said he will die married to me. 8 more days until the 20th day after hubby got served the divorce papers. He talked about murder/suicide. He said that we always talked of dying together, and so he said, "We're gonna do it NOW!" and he tells me that he is going to take me to a lake along the highway and kill me there.
He tells me to "Tuck and Roll" out of a 60mph car, because it would be my last chance to get away. He has threatened me in the past, but only this time did I actually take him really really seriously. He yelled with anger that he was going to do it. He said that he was going to crash into a stone wall and I would be propelled out of the front windshield. He talked about who would take care of our son when we die.
He was psychotic from the start, but this major trigger off-set him to a scary guy who went off the deep end. He talked about having only 7 days of living left. He talked about being on death row and writing novels in solitary confinement. He said the easy way out would be murdering me and then committing suicide. Then he said that he is going to kill everyone but our son.
So how did I get out of the car? The highway, THANK GOD, had traffic lights. and at a traffic light, when it was red, I jusmped out of the car. He screamed at me to get back in the car. I walked off the highway exit. Called my mom to pick me up.
When we got home, he pulled his car up right across the street. He came over, allowed my mom and son to enter the house, but he blocked me from getting in. He said that it was going to all end right there, right now. My mother told him that she was going to call the police if he didn't leave. He told her to call them, not thinking she actually would! The police came, he left.
That night I packed my bags and took my son to a place he won't find me until the 20th day. And here I am, not at home... waiting and waiting for the day to come and for a divorce by default to occur. And I will pray to god that that is what will happen.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Okay, second booty call this past weekend. Definitely more comfortable this time around. Not as awkward. But it's sort of strange to sleep with someone you don't have feelings for. At least for me it is.
I actually found out a lot about FF this time around! Good guy generally, but definitely see him differently. He seemed very afraid that I saw this all more than a Booty call. I knew it was just that, but he was still concerned.
I was sort of surprised when we were hanging out on the couch. I reach for his hand and he kept his hand clenched. Then he looks at me seriously and says, "You know this is just casual, right?" And that really caught me off guard! We established this from the start, so I've got to say I was surprised. Then he proceeds to say, "I just think that if I dated someone tomorrow, you would be pissed." Ummm, WHAT? I have to say I was speechless. I didn't know what to say because I was really surprised that he would think that.
I ask him why he thinks I would be upset if he dated someone. And he laughs and say because of my history. I guess I see where he coming from. He know WAY too much about my history. More than my friends. He is one of my new friends, and it's just so much easier telling my problems to someone who knows nothing about me, my husband, or my friends. I really did load a lot of information and complaints to him. I feel sort of bad about that.
Then I know that instead of saying things like, "Booty call tomorrow?", I would say, "I wanna see you tomorrow." And instead of saying, "Thanks for the sex and the distraction," I would say, "It was really great seeing you." LOL. And of course he would get the wrong impression from that. Why wouldn't he? And I really like him as a person and friend. I'm generally an affectionate person. I say things that are affectionate.
This being said, it really is not FF... I can't have feelings for anyone right now. Given this situation last year with hubby out of the picture, I may have liked FF if I slept with him. But I don't know. I really couldn't say, because the situation then adn now are a night and day difference.
So the dynamics completely changed between me and FF. We used to be friends. and now we're just Booty call. And wow, I found out that the boy was wild back in the day. I like that he talks sort of dirty in bed. I like that he is very sexual. Would never have guessed.
switching subjects, hubby is calling and texting non-stop, even as I write this! I'm going to sleep.
I actually found out a lot about FF this time around! Good guy generally, but definitely see him differently. He seemed very afraid that I saw this all more than a Booty call. I knew it was just that, but he was still concerned.
I was sort of surprised when we were hanging out on the couch. I reach for his hand and he kept his hand clenched. Then he looks at me seriously and says, "You know this is just casual, right?" And that really caught me off guard! We established this from the start, so I've got to say I was surprised. Then he proceeds to say, "I just think that if I dated someone tomorrow, you would be pissed." Ummm, WHAT? I have to say I was speechless. I didn't know what to say because I was really surprised that he would think that.
I ask him why he thinks I would be upset if he dated someone. And he laughs and say because of my history. I guess I see where he coming from. He know WAY too much about my history. More than my friends. He is one of my new friends, and it's just so much easier telling my problems to someone who knows nothing about me, my husband, or my friends. I really did load a lot of information and complaints to him. I feel sort of bad about that.
Then I know that instead of saying things like, "Booty call tomorrow?", I would say, "I wanna see you tomorrow." And instead of saying, "Thanks for the sex and the distraction," I would say, "It was really great seeing you." LOL. And of course he would get the wrong impression from that. Why wouldn't he? And I really like him as a person and friend. I'm generally an affectionate person. I say things that are affectionate.
This being said, it really is not FF... I can't have feelings for anyone right now. Given this situation last year with hubby out of the picture, I may have liked FF if I slept with him. But I don't know. I really couldn't say, because the situation then adn now are a night and day difference.
So the dynamics completely changed between me and FF. We used to be friends. and now we're just Booty call. And wow, I found out that the boy was wild back in the day. I like that he talks sort of dirty in bed. I like that he is very sexual. Would never have guessed.
switching subjects, hubby is calling and texting non-stop, even as I write this! I'm going to sleep.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
These past couple weeks I felt like I was snapping back like a rubber band, back to my husband. My entire relationship with him was a very controlling one. In fact it was an abusive one. It wasn't physically abusive, but verbally and emotionally. Not many people understand that, not evne myself. I never would have understood emotional abuse until... my husband.
Well, let me just talk about how we first met. It was incredibly intense. The passion, the lust, the chemistry. You meet many attractive people in your life, but only once in a blue moon, do you fall in love. And we fell in love. I moved in 2 weeks after meeting my husband (I'll call him DH), he told me he loved me 2 weeks after we met, and also asked me to marry him that same weekend. He was handsome, independent, strong, fun, funny, charming, articulate, intelligent. He was perfect. But then I discoveredthe dark side. The scary side. The Mr. Hyde could no longer be hidden.
I took my son and moved out of our apartment last year. And only 1 month ago, I finally hired a lawyer, with the persistance of my mother. DH has tried everything to make me call of the lawyer. He's going to get served any day now. And truth be told, I am scared. And sad.
DH threatened my work, my license, my family, and even my life. He wanted ot scare me straight to call off the divorce. And the crazy thing is, I almost did, because I was scared. That is ridiculous. It's just so amazing how much control he still has over me. When he found out that the whole threatening tactic didn't work, he is now trying Mr. Charming. He begs me, pleads with me, guilts me to call off the divorce. He tells me he loves me, that he ruined the most important thing in his life, his family. But then, he always changes his tone and blames me for being a homewrecker.
In any case, I came so far...I came SO far, leaving him and moving on with my life, but these past couple weeks, I was feeling so vulnerable. I felt like I was drowning, and I was grasping for anything or anyone to save me. And so the funny part comes in. I call one of my male friends, desperate, frantic almost. I text him at 1:30am on a Saturday night, asking him what he is doing. I proceed to text and bother him that week, needing to see him. We kissed once before, as friends with benefits.
So this is actually quite funny to me. After I separated from my husband last year, there have been 4 guys that I've dated, plus one lover. And no, I did not sleep with all of them. After we separated, DH disappeared for 5 months. Let me just say, those were the happiest 5 months I've had in as long as I could remember! There was so much fun, so much hope, and wonderful men. And the night he returned to the city I live in, I cried for 4 hours straight. It was October when he returned. and everything changed from that night forward.
Since October to now, there was a dark cloud over me again. The men disappeared, and I was once again under his control. He was the man in my life and all the sunshine went away. Appropriate that it was one of the worst winters here...
But I have become stronger since i left him last year. I'm able to say No to his demands, to stick up for myself more. But these past couple weeks... I got weak. So going back to calling my guy friend... I make a booty call. So funny actually, because it's so not me to do something like this, but desperate times call for desperate measures. I didn't really need the sex, but I needed the strength, the distraction, something a girl friend couldn't give me. I thought i was strong enough to get through this without a guy, but I was disappointed in myself that I wasn't.
So I go to my male friend's house, we hook up. I want to laugh because it sort of felt silly. It was too forced, too awkward. But at the same time, i don't regret it because it helped me. it helped me from falling back to DH. yeah, maybe I used my friend, but he used me too. Everyone wins, right? But the consequences are that I might hoave ruined our friendship. I'm mortified. I am completely and utterly mortified. But again, if I didn't sleep with him, I might have slept with DH, and that would have been the worst case scenario.
And why in the world would I sleep with DH? because I still love him. i still care about him. Yes, even though he threatened to ruin my life and kill me, I still have a soft spot for his Dr. Jekyll. I think my friends might be right that I need therapy. He has controlled me for so long that he can sweet-talk me into anything. But not so much anymore.
So this post is actually about feeling absolutely mortified about calling up my friend for a night of sex. LOL. It happened. It was fun and awkward, but I'm still mortified. I wanted to call him to apologize for my actions but I'm too embarrassed. I'm gonna call this guy friend FF.
The story with FF... well, I knew him from college, but got only back in contact a year and a half ago. Never thought a guy like him existed. Full of integrity, intelligent, cute. But then he isn't perfect either. I mean, who is? One of the thinks I really liked about DH is that he was honest and would say exactly what was on his mind.
Back to FF. He knows way too much about my escapades with all the other guys. Double standard... but I wish I never told him about all the guys. I had a great time though... I don't think I really lived out the single life. I haven't been single for 15 years, pretty much since right out of college. And there were no gaps of being single since then. So, it's been fun. But at the same time, I want someone a little more serious.
FF was never interested in me. Or actually, looking back, he could have been, but I of course ruined any chance what-so-ever by seeming to be such a .... player (I'm gonna use this term over any of the female equivalent terms). So I am mortified. And I think it's also partly because I think I subconsciously care what he thinks about me. I could like him.
Since October, I have been living with threats. I believe in karma. I am wondering if I ever did anything so horrible in my life. Did I do something so bad that I called forth such a difficult time? Or is this going to make me a stronger person, someone who will be there to help other women and people who go through this? I do believe that things happend for a reason. And I think this is happening for a reason. I have to be strong. I've been bullied by my own husband, and now I am finally standing up to the bully. And it's not only hard for me, but it is hard for the bully. DH doesn't know how to handle the situation. He continues with his threats. And I am strating to realize that life is like a book. Only you are the writer of the book, and every decision you make will change the course of your life. And this is the fork. I cannot and will not take the easy way out this time. I'm fighting for myslef and all the abused woman.
He told me, "you will die before you divorce me. Is that what you want? Would you rather be dead than be married to me?" And I said, "Yes." And I meant it.
Well, let me just talk about how we first met. It was incredibly intense. The passion, the lust, the chemistry. You meet many attractive people in your life, but only once in a blue moon, do you fall in love. And we fell in love. I moved in 2 weeks after meeting my husband (I'll call him DH), he told me he loved me 2 weeks after we met, and also asked me to marry him that same weekend. He was handsome, independent, strong, fun, funny, charming, articulate, intelligent. He was perfect. But then I discoveredthe dark side. The scary side. The Mr. Hyde could no longer be hidden.
I took my son and moved out of our apartment last year. And only 1 month ago, I finally hired a lawyer, with the persistance of my mother. DH has tried everything to make me call of the lawyer. He's going to get served any day now. And truth be told, I am scared. And sad.
DH threatened my work, my license, my family, and even my life. He wanted ot scare me straight to call off the divorce. And the crazy thing is, I almost did, because I was scared. That is ridiculous. It's just so amazing how much control he still has over me. When he found out that the whole threatening tactic didn't work, he is now trying Mr. Charming. He begs me, pleads with me, guilts me to call off the divorce. He tells me he loves me, that he ruined the most important thing in his life, his family. But then, he always changes his tone and blames me for being a homewrecker.
In any case, I came so far...I came SO far, leaving him and moving on with my life, but these past couple weeks, I was feeling so vulnerable. I felt like I was drowning, and I was grasping for anything or anyone to save me. And so the funny part comes in. I call one of my male friends, desperate, frantic almost. I text him at 1:30am on a Saturday night, asking him what he is doing. I proceed to text and bother him that week, needing to see him. We kissed once before, as friends with benefits.
So this is actually quite funny to me. After I separated from my husband last year, there have been 4 guys that I've dated, plus one lover. And no, I did not sleep with all of them. After we separated, DH disappeared for 5 months. Let me just say, those were the happiest 5 months I've had in as long as I could remember! There was so much fun, so much hope, and wonderful men. And the night he returned to the city I live in, I cried for 4 hours straight. It was October when he returned. and everything changed from that night forward.
Since October to now, there was a dark cloud over me again. The men disappeared, and I was once again under his control. He was the man in my life and all the sunshine went away. Appropriate that it was one of the worst winters here...
But I have become stronger since i left him last year. I'm able to say No to his demands, to stick up for myself more. But these past couple weeks... I got weak. So going back to calling my guy friend... I make a booty call. So funny actually, because it's so not me to do something like this, but desperate times call for desperate measures. I didn't really need the sex, but I needed the strength, the distraction, something a girl friend couldn't give me. I thought i was strong enough to get through this without a guy, but I was disappointed in myself that I wasn't.
So I go to my male friend's house, we hook up. I want to laugh because it sort of felt silly. It was too forced, too awkward. But at the same time, i don't regret it because it helped me. it helped me from falling back to DH. yeah, maybe I used my friend, but he used me too. Everyone wins, right? But the consequences are that I might hoave ruined our friendship. I'm mortified. I am completely and utterly mortified. But again, if I didn't sleep with him, I might have slept with DH, and that would have been the worst case scenario.
And why in the world would I sleep with DH? because I still love him. i still care about him. Yes, even though he threatened to ruin my life and kill me, I still have a soft spot for his Dr. Jekyll. I think my friends might be right that I need therapy. He has controlled me for so long that he can sweet-talk me into anything. But not so much anymore.
So this post is actually about feeling absolutely mortified about calling up my friend for a night of sex. LOL. It happened. It was fun and awkward, but I'm still mortified. I wanted to call him to apologize for my actions but I'm too embarrassed. I'm gonna call this guy friend FF.
The story with FF... well, I knew him from college, but got only back in contact a year and a half ago. Never thought a guy like him existed. Full of integrity, intelligent, cute. But then he isn't perfect either. I mean, who is? One of the thinks I really liked about DH is that he was honest and would say exactly what was on his mind.
Back to FF. He knows way too much about my escapades with all the other guys. Double standard... but I wish I never told him about all the guys. I had a great time though... I don't think I really lived out the single life. I haven't been single for 15 years, pretty much since right out of college. And there were no gaps of being single since then. So, it's been fun. But at the same time, I want someone a little more serious.
FF was never interested in me. Or actually, looking back, he could have been, but I of course ruined any chance what-so-ever by seeming to be such a .... player (I'm gonna use this term over any of the female equivalent terms). So I am mortified. And I think it's also partly because I think I subconsciously care what he thinks about me. I could like him.
Since October, I have been living with threats. I believe in karma. I am wondering if I ever did anything so horrible in my life. Did I do something so bad that I called forth such a difficult time? Or is this going to make me a stronger person, someone who will be there to help other women and people who go through this? I do believe that things happend for a reason. And I think this is happening for a reason. I have to be strong. I've been bullied by my own husband, and now I am finally standing up to the bully. And it's not only hard for me, but it is hard for the bully. DH doesn't know how to handle the situation. He continues with his threats. And I am strating to realize that life is like a book. Only you are the writer of the book, and every decision you make will change the course of your life. And this is the fork. I cannot and will not take the easy way out this time. I'm fighting for myslef and all the abused woman.
He told me, "you will die before you divorce me. Is that what you want? Would you rather be dead than be married to me?" And I said, "Yes." And I meant it.
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